A Moment of Weakness
by gwenstacys
Summary: A month after their first kiss, Ernst brings up the topic of Hanschen's feelings towards him.


**I have major writer's block but somehow this came of my trying to avoid another story. I wrote it while in study hall, just twenty minutes, so it's not very well written but I kind of like it. It's based off the idea that Hanschen and Ernst maybe won't get a perfect ending, but rather just enjoy the little time they do have together.**

There was no doubt in Ernst's mind that he liked Hanschen. He admired how confident and sure of everything he seemed to be, always knowing just the right thing to say. He liked the clear, aggressive tone of his voice that could persuade any poor girl - or boy, for that matter. Hanschen was seductive without even trying, and when he did try it would take everything a person had to resist temptation. Ernst tried to resist at first, but quickly overcame to the assurance Hanschen often provided. He felt safe with him, and that was a feeling he didn't get to feel often. It was especially present on that warm, summer day when they were sitting under the large oak tree by the stream that Melchior Gabor and Wendla Bergman would often sit under together. That was, of course, before Wendla passed away. Lately Melchior could be found at church or in the fields where they used to play - he, Wendla, Ilse and Moritz.

Hanschen was lying in the grass holding a book out in front of him and attempting to keep it's pages from rustling in the wind. He was reading his favorite lines from Shakespeare's Othello to Ernst, who had his back against the tree and his eyes on Hanschen. He enjoyed listening to Hanschen speak, there was something so familiar about his voice that made you want to keep listening and find out what it was. "Reputation, reputation, reputation! Oh, I have lost my reputation! I have lost the immortal part of myself, and what remains is bestial." Hanschen read aloud, losing himself in the words he found himself relating to the most recently.

"Hanschen?" Ernst asked as soon as there was a pause in the reading.

"Yes, Ernst?"

"Why did you take me here today?"

"That's what friends do, isn't it? Take advantage of nice days and enjoy each other's company?" He lifted his head to look at Ernst, who looked like he was going to burst.

"Yes, I suppose. But why me?" Hanschen placed the lace bookmark his mother made him near the edge of the book to keep his place, sitting up to face Ernst.

"Well I would have invited the others, but Otto is visiting his aunt in Frankfurt, Georg has piano lessons like he often does in the afternoon, and Melchior... well... you know he hasn't been the same since Wendla and Moritz died. Always moping about, sitting in that musty, old church for hours at a time as if he were waiting for answers or some sort of sign. If it were up to me I'd send him back to that reformatory, it would probably do him some good."

"Do you really think that? The way he described it to us, it sounded like torture. I couldn't imagine having to be sent away from my parents and my friends, especially the girl I loved, to a place I had no desire to go and then discover that the girl I loved had died... I can't imagine what that must feel like. He must feel so... alone. I don't think the reformatory is the best place for him. I think this is the best place-" He looked up at the Oak tree, at all of it's long branches and leaves that whistled in the wind. He could tell why Wendla used to find that particular spot calming, what with nature in all it's beauty surrounding you no matter where you looked. There was something magical about the way it made you feel, especially at night time when the stars are out and everything goes quiet. "Here. Right here. I think Wendla would have wanted him to visit this place as often as he could." He finished his thought quietly, unsure of what Hanschen would think.

"If you say so, Ernst. You have such a simple way of thought, never thinking things through or looking at situations in their entirety. I would say it's refreshing, if a mind of a child is considered to be 'refreshing'."

"'Mind of a child'? Hanschen, if you took me here to insult me I think I should just go." Ernst looked taken back, but Hanschen didn't notice.

"I'm not insulting you, Ernst. I'm merely pointing out the way you think, and how the way you think is quite childlike. I didn't say that it was a unnatractive quality, I'm just not sure if that will benefit you in the future." There was a moment of silence between them as Ernst waited for Hanschen to realize that he had hurt his feelings. He didn't though, and even if he did it was not shown.

"Why did you take me here?" Ernst asked again quietly.

"You are my friend, after all, like I said before. I do like you, Ernst. You aren't like the other boys." Ernst blushed, hoping that wasn't obvious under the shade of the tree. Hanschen pretended not to notice, but smiled to himself.

"I like you too. I've been thinking about our night together a lot lately... well... not just lately." He admitted, embarrassed. "Actually, I've been thinking about it ever since it happened - every night since then. Why haven't we talked about what happened? You've been acting as if nothing happened betwe-"

"Ernst," Hanschen interrupted, "That was one night, nearly a month ago. I enjoyed it more than I could say - more than I could ever possibly admit to anyone besides you if even you - but it was a moment of weakness for us both. We gave into our temptations and curiousity, and payed attention to our bodies rather than our minds. It was one night of passion and weakness, that's all it was." Ernst tried to hide the disappointment in his face but was unsuccessful. "Oh sweet, naive Ernst. You didn't think it was more than that, did you?" He was lying of course, that night meant a great deal to him, but he could never let Ernst know that. It was for his own safety that he wasn't aware of Hanschen's feelings towards him, he didn't want to give him any false hope.

"Yes, I'm afraid I did." He avoided Hanschen's gaze and spoke to the ground beneath them. "I thought that we had an understanding, I thought that... you liked me." His voice cracked. Hanschen sighed, knowing that he must not lie to Ernst even if that would be best. Ernst was too kind and forgiving for his own good - a sentimentalist, he once pointed out. He had always been a better person than Hanschen, and Hanschen knew that. He couldn't let himself torture him like that.

"I do, Ernst. I like you more than I've ever liked anyone, in fact. But surely you aren't so naive as to think that we could be together - or God forbid - have a future." He placed his hand on Ernst's shoulder, making him look into his eyes. "I can't be your red-cheeked wife, Ernst. I can't give you a library, or a nice little farm in the countryside, and you definitely can't be a priest with me at your side. I hope you know that what we have is not realistic, and we can never be anything more. It just isn't acceptable, and we shouldn't treat it as such. I know you aren't ignorant to the truth that is right in front of you, but I don't want you carrying on with a false sense of hope." It made Hanschen's heart ache to say such things. Hanschen's heart had never ached for anyone - anyone but the doe eyed, dark haired boy across from him.

"The funny thing is, a part of me knows all of those things but.. a bigger part of me wants more than anything to say 'fuck it' and pray to God those things aren't true." Hanschen was surprised that Ernst was expressing himself in this way, but also relieved. "I know that us being together is considered wrong, and we couldn't show our affections in front of others, but..." He smiled shyly and shrugged as if it were obvious. "I don't want to lose you. I know we can't live together and you can't give me the things I want, but Hanschen - those are just materialistic things. What I want most of all is you, it doesn't matter how I have you as long as I do. I couldn't imagine living a life without you in it." Hanschen listened and felt as though he was seeing Ernst for the very first time. He was seeing Ernst for all that he was, and wondered how someone as genuine as he could like someone like him. He let his eyes wander to Ernst's lips as he spoke, mesmerized by the way he spoke every word so carefully. As soon as he was finished Hanschen leaned in, locking eyes with him for a second, and pressed his lips to Ernst's. They were as soft as he remembered from their night in the Vineyard, which seemed longer ago than it actually was. Ernst slid his hand over Hanschen's thigh and let him kiss him. It was apparent in that moment that both boys knew that was exactly where they wanted to be, and exactly with whom they wanted to be with.


End file.
